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The Weekly Cheek
The Weekly Cheek

Episode · 3 months ago

85. NO NUANCE ADVICE

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

In this episode, we give no nuance advice to our Instagram followers.

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Hello, I'm Christin PARISONATO and I'm Hannah Ferguson and where CO founders of Cheek Media Co. This is the weekly Cheek podcast. Before we start the PODCAST, I'd like to acknowledge that we are on stolen lands here in the engine of the Yagara and durable people, and I would like to pay my respects to their elders, past and present. Welcome back to the weekly cheeks. Welcome. Today we are doing some quick fire, no nuanced advice. Yes, which is I think a few people do it with Flex Vombia. That's fucking excellent. People can't handle your advice. I think mine can be harsh, but I don't like because I'm my God. Sorry, but I'm going to try and be harsh. Yeah, excellent. So excited. Also, both of our fee to cover it up today. So no toes for free. No toes for free. Alright, we're going to alternate giving it. So I think obviously, like we said, my huge scab in my nose. Keep picking at it. It's sucking awful. All right, all right, UM, so we're gonna read it. We're gonna to reading it and giving the advice. Is that correct? Okay, there is no context, advice, just in the question box. I said I love him. He hasn't said it back. Doesn't really bother me. Do I need to end it? No, you don't end it if it doesn't bother you. Say it when you're ready. Yeah, you said it. When you're ready. He'll say when he's ready. It's very mature to not be bothered by that. When it bothers you, maybe then. Yeah, when it bothers you mention it. Yeah, don't just communic yeah, I think that this is a victim of a patriarchy. Yeah, sorry, do you want me to not the advice, or is it fine? Oh No, it's fine. Do whatever you want, Queen. Okay, pop of off, pop off. Oh God, you have to leave the reaction. Ex housemate can be nasty, slash toxic, but we have history. Maintain lonely gale problems. Fuck them off, ex housemate. Did she say? Yet? Live with them? It sounds like that. Maybe their friends, I'm assuming. Why have history his streaming? You live together and they would toxic, lash and nasty. Leave them alone. Don't talk to them any much. Next, these are so fun. I love giving known you. I fancy a guy at work worried about asking him out because of the work setting. Do I go for it? Question Mark. No. Unless you are in love, like, unless you have a real serious connection that you are sure about, do not risk it. You aren't. You cannot be in love with someone in a in a way that's non consensual or no reciprocals. But I mean like if, say, if you're like Um, close, you have a close like friendship and there are vibes there and like you get along really well, but you're never going to know until you go for it. Yeah, but unless you're pretty sure, I just in my opinion, the risks. You have to weigh up the risk. I think you have to be close enough in a way that it's like, not like, okay, so if you're just like I am attracted to this person at work, I'M gonna ask him for a drink. No, don't do that. I think I agree with you in the sense that there needs to be some sort of relationship. That would be that you could go out outside of work and that would be either your friends enough that that would be normal, so that there's like it's not just a work thing. I just I can't handle one. It's just it's just too icky. It's harassing to me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry because, like, how would you feel someone asked you out in the workplace? And I'm not saying that's like everyone's bar, but like be uncomfortable for a long time. Yes, weird, weird, um m MM. Just got married. Changing my last name. Do I keep my maiden name at work? Do whatever you want to do. Don't change it at all. No, I don't think that's fair. Do whatever you want to do. Don't change it. Queen. People have the choice, choice feminism. But like, I don't think that that like, I don't wants to change their name. I mean I personal wouldn't change my name at all or I change it all together. I wouldn't have the mid I think the...

...mix is annoying for paperwork reason. Same, same, I think that, yeah, it. She would just get like annoying and complicated. Okay, Oh, I like this one. I've been waiting for it. We're seeing a guy found out he had a girlfriend. They're going to Europe soon. Should I tell her before after? Never? Before I thought the same. Yeah, because obviously that before. But I think that the Europe element doesn't change whether she's going to leave him or not. She's either going to leave him more she's not. Yeah, also, I would, if I would, if I were this person, I would look at it as you're putting your giving her your agency to do what she wants to. Because I think once you start looking at like, Oh, I'm going to just wait until it's after, it's actually like taking something or like you could look at it as taking something away from the woman. Um. So I would just be like, just tell it Asap, do it tomorrow, yesterday, Yep. So I'm so sorry about history action. It's usually this is happening privately. How to dump your Christian Slash Lib Boyfriend when you care about him. You don't why you care about him. You can care about someone and this isn't it from a romantic relationships. This isn't from a romantic relationship perspective. But like I unfortunately care for my family members who vote, live and are Christian, but I couldn't fuck them or have their children or being a lifelong companionship with those people. So your point is you can care and break up. But the other thing is it actually comes back to how much your political leanings and your religious beliefs are connected to your identity. For me they are inherently connected and I could not be in a long term relationship with someone who and it also depends on your partners how inherently they're connected. So how far do those values seep in if they're an lmpvert and they agree with all elp policies and Blah Blah, Blah Blah. I'm sorry that inherently connected to my personality is my political leanings and my views. So that's never going to work because I fundamentally disrespect that view. So I cannot have I cannot care for someone deeply in that sort of a companion way, romantic way. But also depends what your relationship looks like and what you expect and what you're what you need from them. I think it's like I think other people that it's not so connected. Do what you want, but for me it's too aligned that if they were like that, they'd have to go. Okay, that was a bit too much nuance for me, but that's all right. I forgot about that. I'm just the I am, you are, you are the nuance and I'm the no, sorry, I forgot. It's okay. Um to read. Oh God, love, think and also like, I just want to point out this is not us just being awful. When when you give a problem, when you want us going to rise in like three lines, it's always going to be like, oh, Jesus, I want to get some side action. How can I suppress this? Ah, I don't think you're in the right relationship. I think that you should look into a non minormous relationship. I just think that if you're, either you're not getting what you need or you need to be in a different kind of relationships, either a different kind of relationship or with a different person, or both. Maybe. Um, I don't think that. I don't think that's suppressing that. I don't think anything good is going to come out of suppressing it. That's no nuance. No nuance. Okay, this is an interesting one to me. I've never heard this asked. Partner just broke up with me. I'm blindsided. Do I get angry or be gracious about it? Depends how they...

...broke up with you. It's also an interesting two options. I personally would your feeling. I would personally just funk off away from them and not say anything. Yeah, I mean you don't have to be gracious when you're broken up with. No, you don't have to be angry. I think greatest is the wrong word. Yeah, because I think, I think the connotation of what you just said is like you can be nasty and that's not right. Oh, no, no, no, I meant like just feel your feeling inside, but you don't need to have the yelling. Just go and be angry alone. Whatever you want to be and are, but don't mean if they weren't nasty, don't be nasty. Yeah, but but angry. Do I get angry? I'll get angry. That implies nastiness. I suppose you don't have to do that. Damn, I don't know. I don't like that. No, just be angry to yourself. I'm nearly twenty and my parents will let me date. What the fuck can you parrants done? Next question Um, move out. Yeah, if you can, sorry about that, but put in a lot of put in some serious plans in place to move out or to state secretly. The thing about if you have strict parents, you are really fucking good at lying. Get onto that, get into it. Oh, okay, friends struggling postpartum but also being a bit how can I help with that getting hurt. Ask them what they need. Also, I think you should be very fucking careful about this. What do you mean? You're saying that they're struggling and you're saying they're being a bit. That is really rude. That's what I mean, I think. I think it brings out the worst in us. Struggle, right, so you are your worst version of yourself and that's probably what's happening here. But I understand that if you're trying to make an active effort and they're being shit to you, then there's a how much you can do until they try to help themselves. Yes, that's why I say you need to be there for them, be present, be actively asking them what they need, but you don't need to do more than that if you're being pushed back against. That's so interesting, because I would step back and be available when they request my help, because people don't request, they just struggle in silence a lot of the time. Yeah, but if someone for me like if you're not helping yourself, then I'm like, well, I'm just going to be over here. Yeah, but you need to give them an opportunity to help themselves. Yes, by by stepping you need to support them to an extent to help themselves. No standing back, Queen. No, if people are going to be like that postpartum, who, come on, they need help, but I help, but I mean, okay, so I should probably again giving nuance. Now. I would like speak to like if they have a partner, or speak to like maybe their parents or someone like that, about how to help without being in their face and in their space. I know, but people don't understand postpartum like. I think it's one of the biggest gaps. Right, I don't think. I think there's a change, those people will not be helpful. So I think it is our jobs, to an extent, and I'm not saying a large extent, to an extent, to push them, to give them what they need. Interesting, very different opinions from us. I think it's because I don't want someone in my face when I am I know, but like, if you're not well, I am not going to be like, well, she'll come to me when she needs I'm going to be like you need to tell me what you need. You might not like it, but I think it's helpful on the long run. I think once you got out of it. You know why I did what I did. I think you'd forgive me for forcing help. Yeah, but you're basically going to be a human sacrifice, but I don't want my friend to be the human sacrifice. So you would be okay with being like, you'll put your body on the line. Basically, interesting. I don't think I would do that. I would die for a lot of people. Crazy Queen, I would. Actually, I would know. I would give a vital organ to a lot of people. Yeah, me too, but I wouldn't put up with them like giving me ship. I think it depends on what...

...that actually looks like, and I think I can. I can forgive people for giving me a ship when they're going through ship. I can totally do that. I can forgive it, but I'm not going to wait around for it to happen again. This is where we're different. Yes, very different, so much it makes sense right now, anyway. Okay, Oh, that was mine. That's your turn. I hate my new tattoo. What do I do new? You haven't even grown to hate it. I mean making it into something else. Get rid of it, but that's going to take a long time. Get rid of it. Yeah, make it into something else. I don't like that. Get definitely get rid of it. I do agree with that. Um, okay, do I warn my ex's new partner, who he had an affair with, of the domestic abuse abuse? I endure it? No, really, I say yes, definitely, but try to like see if you can find someone else to deliver the new like to tell them, because you have to keep yourself safe, obviously. Yeah, that's part of my reason. The other part is that I often find Um, this is so not fair what I'm about to say, but it's just personal experience that received well it's not received well and it's Um utilized against the victim and it's often the new partner is a shiny toy for the abuser to wield against the victim and it's not necessarily the and this is again, I know I'm so skewed and it's all impersonal, personal experience, but often, the pair of them, it's not always necessarily that the new person is being abused, but but that they utilize as a weapon against the ex partner, the victim. And so I feel like you're sometimes feeding it interesting and sometimes you're feeding danger to the new partner by alerting them. Yes, which is why I think. I think, like you. You must all them, my personal in some way. You must alert them, but try and stay like, keep your fingerprints off it for one of a better phrase, Um, and have someone else alert them on your behalf, and don't try not to let it come back to you and make sure that you're in a safe place, looking after yourself, because you do have to look after yourself first and foremost. Like your own safety should be your priority, because if you're not safe, then you can't help anybody else. Um, but I think that, like, try any way you can to safely let them know. I know my answer is yes, alert them, but like a system. So, so traumatized. How to get back into dating after not wanting romantic love for ten years? No APPS, though. Um, I'm literally the live. I have no idea. I think you need to get onto the APP. I think you need to get onto the APP. I think the APPS, and I'm not saying you need to date through the APPS, but I think the APPS are a way to have a little look, have a little C have a chat to a few people, like ease your way and you don't have to ever meet them, just ease your way back into chatting with people. In that sense, and this is a bit Um, probably a bit personal, but the thing I would say is that I'm someone who doesn't really find myself romantically appealing. So when I meet men, I don't really assume they're interested me. I always think they want to be my best friend because I'm so funny and cool, but I never think they're attracted to me. So the APPS through a way of like I feel confident because I know that we're both on that for that purpose and that they've swiped or matched or whatever on the basis of an assumption that, like, we're both Romantically, at least in some physically attracted to each other. So it's like a way of chatting to someone with the intent of that, and often the conversation is terrible. It takes quite a while to get into that, but it's a way of easing yourself into that environment. Agree. Um, okay, single want to try polyamory but still get jealous. Advice you can't try polyamory if you get jealous. I disagree. I think that you just...

...need to make sure that you manage the jealousy. Also, I just think it's really this might be a bit controversial and spice terrible opinion. I haven't even given it yet. Go on. Um, I'm very wary of when people say they want to try polyamory, like polyamory is like a sexual orientation. Interesting, like you like like data around whatever, but like, like, what exactly do you mean? Do you mean you want to like try dating a couple? Do you want to just try sleeping or having romantic leship with multiple at the same time? I wouldn't even that's not even polyamory to me. That's just like dating. That's the thing. But Yeah, sorry, this was my thinking. You're terrible opinion was more about you saying you can try it with the jealousy. I don't think that if you're feeling jealous also, because jealous is a really forceful emotion and it kind of breeds obsession and I don't like it. I don't think you should be doing that if you feel that way. I think that a lot of people who there are a lot of people who talk about polyamory openly, who talk about jealousy within polyamory. I just don't think it's for you if you feel like that. Interesting, I don't really, I don't. I mean it depends on like feeling a bit jealous and then being and then talking it out with your partner, versus like feeling jealous and like it overcoming you. If it overcomes you, polly not for you. But I just think that, Um, I think that the word polly is often misused and I don't like that. Like an open relationship is often not polly. It's an open there's a difference between an open relationship and polyamory. There's a difference between dating multi people at the time and polyamory. In my opinion, something like overlapp definitely. But I just think, like be very careful with like trying polly. That's kind of phrasing because, I mean, I'm not. I'm not polly, but I think that if I was polly and I heard about people trying, I'm bisexual, if I heard about, say, if Hannah was like I think I meann't try bisexual, I'd be like what, excuse me, what are you talking about? So just, Um, maybe don't use that phrasing when you're out about dating, but go off Queen, date whoever you want to date. Go off again yourself. We are so unqualified to answer, but I think it's it sounds fun. Annoying kid seven M who is mean and rude to girls, turns up to our house to play regularly. I would talk to his parents. Yeah, I was a worried that he's like a Binnie, like junior, and so kind of like, I know it's too degrassing, but I'd be like yeah, because I don't want that kind of learning it somewhere. So then maybe his parents wouldn't care. Yeah, but stop him turning up, then definitely we'll have a conversation with him. To be on, seven years old. You can have a conversation with a seven year old. Really, I wouldn't either. Try Interesting. You can like to your house your rules. I'd like, why are you doing that? Yeah, I would be more inclined to just say you're not allowed at my home anymore. Like too, parents are not allowed at my home, because I don't think my personal opinion, I wouldn't have the conversation. I would just be like goodbye. Cool. How to tell my friend I'm in love with him? How Fuck? I think you just asked him on a date. Really, I don't think you tell them you love them. No, probably do. Just ask him on a date. Why not? What's wrong with that? That's actually strangely revolutionary. Just ask him on a date. Let's see what they say. Crazy. If someone was like, I'm in love with you, I'd be like not stop. But if someone was like I'd really like to go on a date with you, would you go to dinner with me? Yea fucking yes, I would. I just feel like it could be a bit casual for the gravity of the circumstance. I don't think that you of someone that you're friends with, but no, don't say don't...

...say that you love them. Um, yeah, that's coming on a bit too strong, but I think, but I mean I think you could say like you have a crush on them or something. I think that love is reciprocated. So you could love them in a friend way, but if you love them a romantic way, you don't know that to your relationship. I don't think that love necessarily has to be reciprocated, but I see what you're saying. I just think it's sort of obsessional idealizing without reciprocal or some sort of connection that's developed. You can love a friend and a friend can love you, but if you have a friend that you believe you're in love with in a romantic way. I think you're not there yet. I think that probably there's just been a lot. Yeah, yeah, I get what you mean, but I don't know, I think my opinion is controversial, but I just think there's a difference. Yeah, I see what you're coming from. I just think that maybe just asking on a date is a bit too casual. No, because I think that you're already got a great friendship. So what you're communicating is, I like you and I have a crush on you and I'd like to go on a date with you. If for me, if my if I had a friend and they asked me the date, I'd be like the what do that? We have a date. Okay, okay, true. Well, then what if they just say like, look, I have a crush on you're not sure if you have reciprocated feelings, but would you like to go? Like we could chat about it some time or that was really question you, but I've got to go so different. I don't think it's the kind of conversation that should happen on message. No, no, no, so if you say to someone, that's why I think the dates, the idea, oh, gets you to a physical location to like see how it goes Fu. That's so scary. But I just don't like the idea of like, I've done it before, where you like tells somehe you have a crush on them, who you're friends with, and just like it's just the worst to do. Have a message, because then you see each other and you're like, it doesn't really work, but you probably could ask my data message. Is that what you mean? Okay, I think it should have the full combo out, have it out in real life. Yes, great, that had a bit of nuance. So please forgive us. Oh my God, this one is so relatable. I feel like, oh now I said that it's good to get at about you. It's not. It's like I'm gonna fuggly escaped fish that don't start. I mean I think a lot of people relate. Niggling things about best friends are starting to make me hate her. How do I stop this one? Sent in by Christine Peris. I don't understand how you think it's relatable. You haven't had this happened before? Oh my God, I sorry, I thought like how can you detach? You say it's about me. Read it again, please, because I was off like down and blacked out. Niggling things about best friends are starting to make me hate. How do I stop? You know, it happens like just a few things your friend does and then you're like I never met no, really, no, I don't know. That crazy. It's happened to me so many times. I mean probably not with like a best friend. I initiate a fade. When that happens, initiate fade. If you don't know what that means, I've just made it up, but what it means is like you initiate the fade out of the friendship. So it has happened to you. Well, do you fade before it really happens? I mean I don't really have fights with people anymore, but if I start to find people annoying, I just phase them out. Interesting, not fully, but I'm just like downgrade friendship. Hit that down grade button. You can't come back from that. It depends what it is, though, because I don't really have things that are like Oh, they didn't make their bed like a certain way. It's more like they said something and I was like well, I think for me it's more an indication of our changing lives, like we're just not at the same place anymore. And so that's like a bigger thing for me. It's never just like a certain...

...characteristic or mannerism annoys me. Also, like I think the word niggling implies that it's a small thing, but for me it's always like values based, and then I'm just like the values based issue is not, is not niggling to me. It's like a big red flag. Yep, Oh, so what do you do? Downgrade? Also, I like the question was like how do I stop? I would say like reflect on whether you actually want to still be her friend. Like you don't have to stop the spiral. Well, he shouldn't spiral. You don't have to stop not getting annoyed by what she does. If it's annoying to you, then that's valid, and then if you want to be friends, that's make the choice. You have to make the choice. Agree. Am I doubting my relationship because I have anxiety or because it has runt's course, how to tell therapy? True, I suppose. Um, if you kind of access therapy some seriously, if you really crazy girl. Sorry, but I think, like I think you have to think really deeply about what they're clearly are they're anxious? Yes, yeah, but when you're anxious, you can't necessarily. You don't know. What's the narrative? Maybe think about it when you're not feeling anxious. What if they never not playing anxious? Therapy you need. I think you need to see a professional, because I can't answer that, but my answer is dump them. It's so funny when you go more aggressive than me. It's just like, if there's a I don't know, but when I whenever I'm doubtful, it's usually because there's a reason. Even if I'm anxious, it's right interesting. Booked a solo trip to Melbourne for my birthday in brackets, supported by my fiancee. Who Cares if he supports to you Jesus, just a nice addition. But feel mum guilt. Yeah, that's why she put the support of by fiance. Thing, don't care. No, she's only feeling mum guilt because she's feeling it's not because of her fiance. It's the point of Oh yeah, okay, well, fine. Sake, sorry, am I niggling at you now? No, look, niggles, stop saying that word. I'm not allowed anymore. We have fun, Um, I don't know. Stop your kids will be the thing is is that time away from your children. I think having no children, no experience, makes you a better mum. Having the ability to take care of yourself and be your own person outside of your relationship with your children, in your relationship with Motherhood, I think, makes you a better parent. I agree. And also, and I know it's not actively about this, but like, if you like. I mean I'm assuming that your fiance is the Um, like other parents to your children, but like you are obviously engaged. You have the children like they like. You trust them to they are apparently kids, exactly apparent. You trust them to be fully responsible and pick up the slack, that Um that you would usually pick up. Also, the Patriarchy wants us to feel guilty. Exactly. Don't. Just think about what that do will. But it's okay every time we feel it to be like fuck you. That's the patriarchy. Is it selfish to continue friends with benefits after they admit to catching fields. And I don't want to be exclusive. Yes, it's selfish. Agree end it's so like, I don't know. It's kind of funny. How to break up with the PT you really like because you found a better one. Send an email. It's a service. Yeah, sorry. If you don't like calls anywhere, you start shopping with Willie's. That's...

...fine. It's just more difficult because you don't want to break up with them. It's a person. Yeah, or just lie. Make It. Have a little lie. What the same gym? Imagine if you didn't find us a completely insufferable come back next Wednesday for a new episode. You could also find this on instagram at cheek media co or online at Cheek Media Dot Com. Dott you, yes, that's the one. That's the one.

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