Sounder SIGN UP FOR FREE
The Weekly Cheek
The Weekly Cheek

Episode · 2 years ago

2. What are your friendship red flags?

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

You've heard about red flags in jobs, everyone talks abour red flags in relationships, but it's not so common to identify the very real and very apparent friendship red flags. Does your bestie have some questionable friends? Are they always late? Might be a red flag...

Come back every Wednesday for a new episode, and head to https://www.cheekmedia.com.au/ for more content!

Follow us on socials:

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheekmediaco/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/cheekmediaco

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/69318475/admin/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/cheekmediaco

Or send us an email at cheekmediaco@gmail.com 

Hello, I'm Christen Parison Otto and I'm had a focus in and where co founders of cheek media go. This is the week the cheek podcast barrier goes up. Avoid Cross the street when I see you. They just a horrible person. That that's okay. For a few years, quite lived inside of you for nine months at least. Pajama pants add but DASN'T I sometimes I I get a bit paranoidic to my own friends, like give me a little book sort of thing, but you don't and you yeah, it's good that you don't think it, but you can often tell when someone's kind of like when you say something or do something and they go and they kind of look at you a bit funny. Yes, there it is. So, yeah, exactly, we don't contact, like I cannot help this right now. Yeah, and I'm not immature by my age standard. No, so I also think some people just kind of so I know someone who is, I think she's thirty and I'm twenty seven. So it's only three years and we must have met when I was twenty six, I think, and so she must be twenty nine. Anyway. It's very small, but she always liked tries to cheat me things like be like you'll know about this when you're thirty. I'm like what? In three years? Okay, thanks mate, and then she revealed to me something. So, basically, we'll talking ones and I'm talking about like my place, Blah, blah, blah, and I started talking about like painting it, because I painted it not that long ago, a couple years ago, and she was, you know, it became obvious that she thought I was renting, and I was like, oh no, I actually own my home, and she's like all shook by it, and I was like it's weird for you to assume that I couldn't own at home. Exactly. Well, because I thought initially I was like Oh, you know, I know it's a bit unusual for someone of my shot own home, but she was like to like it was shot offensive. It was offensive, and I was like why do you think? And then I find out she actually owns her place right, and I was like so, what's the difference? That's interesting because I thought maybe for a second she was like what, because she doesn't know how much trying to be in schooling you. Yeah, that's weird, and I'm like that's weird. And also she has like a similar job to me. Don't know her salary, but a similar kind of job to me. And then I also find out later, because she's like giving me all these tips about home ownership then and I was like and then she's like, Oh yeah, like my boyfriend and I own a place like in like the mountains, in like the hinterland, and I was like Oh, cool, like it must terms. It's in the Gold Coast hinterland in like a it's like a it's like a holiday vibe her places and I've seen like some pictures of her bathroom that she's renovated, because she showed me and I was like, Oh that's nice, like Oh, do you like do you rent it out, like ongoing, or do you is like a holiday place, and she's like, no one's in it at the moment. We just like use it to go sometimes on the weekend. And I was like, okay, so you, the thirty year old, has been schooling me on life. She wants told me that to she said to me, because I was like, I'm getting into running. She's like, Oh my God, I ran a half marathon and I was like Oh wow, like I'm just like running five case, thanks for the you know, flex though, and she's like, oh no, you can do it. You too, just like get a podcast, and I was like wow, great, great tip. So this is the person that Shears fucking I find out that she has a an empty house that she has purchased and paying all the bills on that she goes to, goes and sees, like goes and stays in once a month. I'm like, White, who, what gives you the right to tell me things about life? Anyway, that's one friendship flag. So this is what I was wanting to tell you. Before, when I was thinking about my red friendship red flags, I was like, well, for me it the red flags stop the friendship right, because I'm not, as you know, I'm not. Sorry to give it her. You probably the Christmas two point seven friends. I'm not. I'm not an I'm not a particular I'm not someone who makes lots of friends. So usually I'm on alert and I'm Hilot for a red flag and then I might know it's not going any further. Right barrier goes up, well, avoid that's cross the street when I see you. Find that impressive. Thank you. It is, because, when it comes down to it, I'm all in an extradent. I se me friendly. Don't really it's gonna buy an extra one. It's more just like, when I think about that, I am probably a lot more socially exhausted than you, because I'm like, that's they just a horrible person, that that's okay for a few years. We will not be friends past. I guess is not true, but you you catch my drift, like yeah, I like you, or they're sort of clerks that are actually not fucking quirks, horrible. And you know what, it's a difference between I make a big deal out of this. Usually it's the difference between an outward red flag and a sort of what I'd call the orange tinged flag. Yeah, only a tinge of ore. It's not fully orange. The orange flag idea is that it is a red flag, but it might...

...take years to unravel, as like something you discover, okay, or something that develops and becomes apparent to you that you know what I mean. It's kind of like it will become a red flag because it'll grow or you just don't know about it yet. So it's orange, but it's in the in their hidden backpack of fucking evil. Yeah, yeah, and I think that that's something that can happen with partners as well. But yeah, in a friendship context it's kind of like when you think you know someone and you hang out and you start a media company to get there and they tell you that it like refried bean and do you think, Holy Shit, I've relive this friends for a year now. Christopher, to call it a gear, Christians favorite of this frension before, but probably did know my day before that. Well, that's the moment I had when I found out you don't follow the days in the field back. Okay, I was like, how can I we expect to have a business with this lazy email present? But you know, what I'm saying is that sometimes you don't know things for a really long time. Yeah, maybe you accidutely once or twice see me take the pill and you think, oh, it's on the right day, but that's by accident. Years to undrap follow the pillback. That's the orange flag. That's the idea. Okay, is it either? It's either something that you unfortunately stumble upon three is in and you're like, Oh, if I had known this. Okay, so you didn't know. It is an orange flag. or it. It's something, you know, she light on a time it might get a little little ember. Yeah, absolute forest fire. Yeah, okay, really a genuary. I don't even I forgotten about the fires. Yeah, even though that was the whole reason I ran for office. But I've still I've, you know, they gone from my actually compartment like gutire. I expected with that that quarter. It's all the way, very deep. We're really still not my worst quarter of twenty. Mother followed all but burnt out. Well, I think that also, and this is kind of come up a few times in my friendships, and I don't know if it's a pattern or if it's just like this is just life, because I've had a few like falling outs of friendships and then what I look back, I'm like, oh, there's like fourteen red flags, but I didn't really not know. Well, this is the thing and I don't honestly, I not sure how to answer honestly, because there were a few things that I'm just like, Oh, Haha, quirk, but like what's a quirk? That's a red flag. Okay, I'm just easily ranted. Are examp? No, no, I want to be interrogated. People who like a little bit Sassy, like and like will say, I don't know, it's I don't want to sound terrible, but like if you just like kind of poke fun at people with your friends, those kind of like poke fun at others and I think that usually it's pretty harmless. But then, I think because you're not on the receiving end of it, you kind of just like able to kind of brush it off as like Oh, like, that's kind of a bitchy person, Haha, part of their personality, but you don't I don't know, like I think that sometimes there is actually a bit of vindictiveness behind it that you either don't see or you choose not to see. And then when it's I don't know, then when like the friendship and you're like it's not even so much about thinking that that person said that stuff about me behind my back, because I don't don't care that much usually about that kind of stuff. There are there instances where I will, where I will, but it's more that all like that's actually, you know, this person is saying means stuff about people we know and I was laughing at it all, joining in and I don't really that's not really like the person I want to be. Yeah, it's a difference for me is I think I've talked about this before, but in my house we say that if we talk about each other behind their backs, our backs there, we could each guess what it would be about it. Yeah, right, and that's because we deeply love each other. HM, but we've lived together for years. Yeah, and so when we need to vent, it's kind of like this person knows exactly it because we've set it to their face and it'll be like Hailey, another dish, yeah, Kyles of the room. So it's someone else and yeah, he's you know what I mean, or it's so it's not because it's not vindictive. It's just like, well, I would say to that to them if they were here. Are we kind of accept that it's going to happen because you live together and it's been years and I clearly still love them. We clearly still love each other, but it is that thing where we accept...

...it from each other because it's actually just are rating. Yeah, that issue to someone else and then getting straight over it and moving forward. Yeah, right, and if anything boils over, that's new. It's brought up, and not always perfectly at all, but I think it's kind of like they're isn't that malicious, deceptive conduct? That kind of a companies, that vindictive behavior? Instead, it's kind of just like I like the fact that I know that my friends like fucking hand on a social media again, what it was with that captain, and I know that and that's okay. Yeah, and at first it wasn't. You know, it's always like interesting, yeah, get actually for you know, when your first friends and it's a year and you're like, yeah, I'm a bit much. It's okay, but now I'm like when did you earn on my pole? And that's the thing. It's like over time. I know that they just need to be a bit like yeah, each other, and that's fine. Don't do it to me. Don't want to know about it. So it's not that's not a red flag. It's not a red flag anymore because it will. It never was, because they would have said it to me first. Yeah, right, pause. I know about it and I know that it's just an effort to keep them. If they event MMM and it takes five seconds and they get over it, we're still in love. Yeah, that's fine. I have to love them first and know that they're a good person, they mean well and they love me. Yeah, right, and everything is said to my face. That's important. If it's such in my face, we accept it. We move on that. They say. Oh, I'm like, that's okay, that's just are rating interesting. It depends what it's about, though. Yeah, yeah, because I don't know, I don't really like, I mean I hate confrontation, like I resigned this morning and I have nearly loved it really. Yeah, I was so I was like in a state. Yeah, I did to like stress Poos. Yeah, that's good. That's good. It's good to get it to a Friday. Yes, exactly. So that's like the my like I was literally so leked up and then like there was there was like small talk and I was like Oh my God, and then like, Oh my God, I have to interrupt the small top. It's like bombshell. Anyway, we made it through, but I I feel like for me a red flag would be if a friend kind of starts a disagreement. I don't know, what do you mean by start to disagreement? Like is just like well, I we need to talk about this thing that happened. Like what you know? Why did you say this? Why did you cancel our plants? Why did you? I but hang on, if you're in the wrong. Yeah, I know, they believe you're in the wrong. Yeah, it's worse in my mind. Not Bring it up now. Yes, this comes from a point that we I accidentally absolutely trotted shit the other day with Christian when I this is just a really fleeting examples. I think we're going to use it for further episode. But I was talking about being friends with both parties of a couple post break up, and Kristen said, if you saw nick after we broke up, I wouldn't talk to you. I did not say, yeah, I did. I'm pretty sure you said, like they've got care. And then this is I said I didn't want to know about it. No, this is the point, and I've raised this with maybe everyone I've known as opinion on this, because I find it so interesting, because it's fundamentally well, I think it's one of our biggest divine yeah, and it's a big one. It's a big one. Yeah, is it? Kristen said that she would she would want me to lie to her if I was going to see nick in a platonic capacity, like go out for coffee and be like how are you know? You just be general friends. Yeah, you can tell me. That's in a romantic of us. I kind of I said that's kind of it. Yeah, I think it's important to clarify that. I just want to be friends with yeah, it's not like you're looking to yeah, not friends xes. Yeah, and Kristen. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that, because the thing for me is transparency around everything is my favorite thing. Yeah, I don't need to know details. I don't need you to come back and say I had copy with David and exactly what we think. I don't want to know, even if it's up. But I couldn't lie to you and, yeah, annoy you, but I would have to say, just so you know, I'm gonna continue being friends with Nick and I won't tell you about it. But, bubble, I have to have some element of truth telling, because I can't live my life with the guilt of knowing that you wouldn't approve interest and that you would be aren't like, because even though I would approve if I didn't know, but that's how would you improve? Because you don't approve of the act. So you're approving of me lying about an act that you don't agree with, which doesn't make any sense to me. It makes that make sense to me. And this is where it comes back to this friendship flag thing, because what you're saying is you'd rather than lie you about a disagreement, to bring it up. So I okay. So it's a bit it's hard for me to kind of wrap my head around, because I know that it's not. It's not ideal, like I'm aware of that. Okay. So, no, that okay, that's that's good, because if you like it, it's fact it. I would be like nobody, but we don't podcast together. It's I just think...

...that the people who know me the best know how to approach thing. Okay, that's that's yeah, and it's I just don't I don't like this whole like okay, well, let's say this out like. That would make me want to die. Well, how would you like to be approached? It gently? Right, well, on the same but I think it's important that you lay out. Yeah, you like to be communicated with. Yeah. Well, okay. So basically this is like specifically for friends, because with with Nick, with my boyfriend, with my sister, it's different, like it can just be like it, hello, excuse me, you annoyed me yesterday a lot. Yeah, so I to see you know and I'll be like okay, cool, that's fine. But I feel like with friendships it's a bit and it might just be because of the types of friend I don't know. I don't know why, but I it's been so long since I actually had a friendship. We're like one party upset the other party, to be honest. So it is hard to think about how I would kind of approach it now. I think that the type of person that I am now is, like I am much more thoughtful than I was, like, you know, a couple of years ago. So, and I do I really, very often actually consider how think people are going to take things before I say them. Like I'm very considered person generally. So I would be surprised, like if it did come up, and I'm not saying like I would be shocked if I have set someone like I would be sup I would be surprised if someone said to me because I would genuinely not know. And you kind of have a tight circle. Yeah, I know your work colleagues. Well, so you know and you're a good communicator. So you're and it's not just like I'm a good communicate with whoever I'm talking to. It's kind of like I consider the other parties needs and how to best approach is, because it benefits both of us. Yeah, I think it meets I think the way it needs to be approached is like for me, is like, oh well, you know, when this happened, I felt this. Yeah, honestly, I think that, because then I could be like, and this is this is growing from the way that my boyfriend. I communicate is like, you know, when this happens, this is how I feel about it, because then it's more for me. It's more like, oh well, now I understand the difference, because if I experienced that thing, I would never react that way. Yeah, okay, I'm trying to think of an example. I really can't even think alarm. Well, it's even like so I hate when people are late. This is another friendship Fred flag. I don't like late. I think lateness is a lot it. Yeah, me, because, okay, this is sounds harsh. I'm sorry. If you're listening and you're compulsively late person my best friend is compulsively late. Sorr, a few of my friends and something that it. It's unfortunate that this is what it says to me and what it communicates to me, but it says a sense of entitlement. It's right. It communicates a sense of entitlement and a sense of my time is worth more than yours. MMM, because when someone is like late by more than a couple of minutes to something, MMM, I'm not late, I'm waiting. Yeah, and we've agreed and organized this and now you are taking your Merrie time and I'm just stuck in this period of a lull until you arrive, and that's annoying. Yeah, because we plan this time for reason, because I've got stuff to do. Yeah, and that makes me seem like I'm hereaty toyed the biggest person on earth. Know, it's just that I don't like having my time wasted with just stupid intermission. Yeah, it's also just like if we're going out bone or something, don't want, is it at table by myself twenty minutes because you know, you didn't get dressed or set the wrong alarm or bother. What it is frustrating to yeah, and for me, I think. Because so my best friend is, and she'll be happy to admit this, high now, for if you're listening, good um is that she is. But she's never like particularly late. That's okay. And I think, like for me, I don't know. I think flakiness is a red flag for me, like yeah, like if someone like cancers a plan last minute, like I don't I don't like that. But I know and I think again, this is just me like learning from watching people do things. Is My sisters a lot better at this now, but she used to, and my mum and I talk about, used to talk about all the time. But when she's like thinking, okay, I've got to be at this thing at twelve o'clock, like she won't think then, oh well, then I have to leave at fifth, at eleven forty five, and that means if to be ready at thirty, it's just like twelve o'clock. That's like the time in her mind. But for me I'm like, okay, well, let's go backwards, like how many? And for me also, if someone says twelve o'clock, I'm there, AH, or usually early, but if it is,...

...even if it's one, I'm just like where is this person usually early to that's because I but I plan my day, I plan my st plan my month around this stuff. And again, it is just and the thing is it's horrible because the way I see it is, yeah, you, you are wasting my time and you don't value my time. But in reality I completely agree with my friends that are late. Are just people that are thinking, well, then if we okay, it's just they're just ambitious with their time. Yes, and it's just think slip away and they're a bit muddled and I just think I don't like this organized people. Yeah, it's not that I don't like sorry, I just don't like people who would disorganized. I've I struggle with it because I'm like, Oh, I fuck up, I'll forget my go card, I'll do these things, but I don't like it when you fundamentally don't know your plan. Yeah, yeah, I mean, I'm I get spontaneity. Yes, I'm not that fun, but I'm not SPONTANI's at all. Last gets to me when I think, Oh, I've planned to be here timins. Only case your ten minutes earlier, then you're ten minutes later and then we got a twenty minute like yeah, it's just a bit frustrating. Yeah, I for me, lateness is not I don't know, I think it would have to be like to the next level if it was to be a red flag, because I think that like count like lateness that is, I don't know, more intentional to me. I do not like that at all. In Work Senses, I have literally zero times for lateness, like because then I'm like, you are disrespecting my time. That's how I feel in a work sens to be here exactly, but then usually the plans also. It doesn't like it doesn't help that I've literally barely socialized this whole year. Yeah, apart from, like you know, that's exactly it. I venture out to do something and someone cancels last minute and I'm yeah, you've wasted this time. Yeah, honestly, whenever I have a one on one, I check, I offer a cancelation, not because I want them to cancel, because I want to give them every opportunity to be transparent about how busy their day is and how they're feeling on the morning and the night before, because if you know, something comes up, if there's an assignment, if something's desperate, if they're just not having a great day if they got their period, I don't care. Yeah, I give an open exit because I would rather someone wait, rebook me a week later and have a great time that have a halfast time because I felt booke didn't. Yeah, so it frustrates you more because I'm not someone who's like always sticking to the deadline. I will offer it up the day before usually, and that's what's super frustrating about it. Yeah, and I do that as well, and I wouldn't say this is a red flag, but because I'm very compartmentalized and I'm like very organized. So I don't like plans changing the last at the last minute, because I'm like, well, you don't understand that I planned my entire day around this and now you put a spanner in the works and I've like ruined my day. But again, that's not I wouldn't say that's a red flag, but one that I did. Just think of politics, but specifically when someone's, when I feel someone's political beliefs do not line up with like another part of them, like if they if we have conversation. So if we have conversations that, I'm like, Oh, this is quite a progressive person. You know, we've talked about lots of like societal issues, and then, like surprise, I find it they're like a right wing voter. That's a she like the hugest red flag for me. I'm just like you. What has you something has a disconnected in time inside of your brain. I mean, personally, it's worse when they have right wing views in their rowing vote off. I was gonna say that, but I I can I can wry. I don't know. I with this because I have a friend and I have one of my friends has friends who aren't quite right wing for people our age. Yeah, and it was weird. He reates me. Yeah, because I spend time with this person and they accompany them. It's like I'm attending a partier, an event for this person. Yeah, right, and I'm sitting there and I'm trying my best for them and it becomes extremely difficult to not explode diarrhea and over the house fire. Yeah, it is so difficult because, yes, I will engage in debate, but I will not put myself out. Yeah, that night. For the rest, I will not socially exhaust myself for the next week because I had a threehour confrontation with people that I don't care about. Yeah, yeah, but it's it's and it goes down to everything. It goes down to like Amy Shume is not funny and I'm like fuck, I don't even love Amy Shumer, but I love her instagram and I'm allowed to say that. Yeah, shut up, like it's infuriating and they want to fight about everything and it's just such a jewel all the time. Yeah, and I get so bothered because I love this person. But the on Slaugh this contacts me to a new red flag, and that is that when your close friend has friends that are outright red flags. Yeah, I become extremely concerned. Yeah, and it's not that I'm going to say, Oh,...

I can't be friends because your shit friends. It's not. It just makes you really think easiest. Yeah, yeah, it confuses me because everyone has friends. They don't fall in love and you know, everyone gets some value from people in different ways. So I don't want to be like you got it rid of it in it's not. That's ridiculous. But when I kind of join a circle on behalf of another person to you know, when you go to about they party and I've got other group of friends there. I could find myself just deeply confused, because I'm like, why do you have seven different personalities? Because the people is room don't make sense. Yeah, whereas, even though I don't like to bring all of my different social groups into a room, if I did, they would all get along, yeah, and I would all find common gram pretty easily and I don't think there'd be a brawl. Yeah, whereas I go camping with my boyfriend and hit one of his friends when I'm drunk on a Saturday night because he told me it's a woman's job to swallow well, and I just think it fuck, like, how did that one slide through? Yeah, you keep this on, because I hope someone here has the unfollowed me on instagram. I think if you hit him, then you know it's all out there, but I just yeah, I just think it is so concerning to me and it is such a what have I stepped into? Yeah, when someone like that exists in a lovely group of people, because I think you've chosen to accept this individual as part of your life, when they threaten every value that you stand for. And that's confusing, because you're more interested in being passive and just, you're more interested in being passive and just calm, then actually acknowledging a problematic person and at least trying to make them learn. Yeah, and I think that's actually quite a friendship red flag if they're tolerating someone that should not be tolerated and should be held accountable. Yeah, and sometimes it is for a variety of reason that they just but I actually don't accept those reasons, like I've just known them for a long time. Well, you know, they're just like friends with my parents. Something that's not good enough, and when that person is making, you know, rape jokes every Saturday night and feeling girls up, it's just like, why are you accepting that standard? MMM, I didn't know this was going to go here. I think it's good, but I think it's valuable because I think guys are, pray, a full victim to this quite often, in that men are more likely to just kind of stay friends to the high school ends, because it's easy, yeah, and stay in the same groups and not really kick up a stink. And you know, I get it, because it is difficult to have confrontations with mates and it is that they don't like being bitchy, they don't like, you know, they don't like the look. Yeah, but at some point he is feeling a girlfriend's ass on Saturday night and you're just copying and you're just not saying anything and she's one getting upset, looking red faced. Yeah, and it's like that's ridiculous. Yeah, no, that's really that's actually kind of reminded me of another red flag that I have. It's a bit similar, but it's anyway. So when you you know, when you're with someone, like if you look like, you know, strolling down the street doing whatever, and you see something that's like really off, it's just a bit weird or out of slight, out of place, and you're like to them, oh my God, you see that, and that's like well, they don't think it's a problem. Yeah, then you'll like who are, because every single one of my friends and I think we're both the same at both. I've all the one friend just but like people have been with like are the same in me as me, in the way that we're like observing the surroundings. And also, this is something, and I think it's because of my intro version, I'm like hyper aware of like, you know, loud noises and flashing lights. I'm just like, Oh, what's that over there? And I'll see something, even if it's just something like someone doing a weird run in the in the when I'm in the car, just like that was funny. But if, yeah, if they're just like, don't register it, that is like, oh, what do you mean? He's just going for a run. I'm just like, Weird your yeah, yeah, you're not choice, like when you're uterus match up, when you have periods at the same yeah, because you tuned into the friendship. Yes, exactly, yeah, US for uterus exacuestions. I remember it. I like I'm got the Alpha the fuck off. Really always said all the time, like you your heterous, like, Oh God, because you're like that, like having a period as a personality, and you're not. Oh, yeah, for sure. I don't think I got mine. HMM, maybe it's not. Yeah, you know, it was your name. Yeah, but I get what you mean. And again it's like I worry sometimes when my friends and I all only laugh at the same shit. Oh, yeah, it's got it. It's a spectrum. You got to be. Yeah, a fine line, yeah, between having like all your friends are you and then having a diversity of friends that might tune you in or clue you into something you didn't know before. So, but I get. I get exactly what you mean. You they I find it painful and people aren't observing. Yeah, or even to something that's bit weird that they think is fine. Yeah, like to me, that's that. That just sheds this weird life. It's just like who even are you and it and then...

...on that. Another one is when people don't when people tell me something that less like, Oh my God, this made me think of you, and I was like that's not me at all. Why I struggle with receiving gifts because I take it so personally as a direct reflection of what they think of me or yeah, I like and what it's wrong. I get really scared. Yes, that sounds so ridiculous. I know no food, but I struggle. I have to prepare myself to do the face because I often get offended and that's a bit ridicious. But when I unwrap a present and it's it's just doesn't make sense. Yeah, I honestly think like why did you think, MMM, I would like this, and that sounds UN grateful, but it's true. Sometimes like Oh, I can't even start. I'm not going to mention anything. But some people are is bad at giving gifts. Yeah, it's not actually a reflection how they feel about me or what they think I like. It is modest, specific type of gift, though, because sometimes it's just like Oh, you know, you didn't know what to get me. I get it. It's pretty typical. Yeah, yeah, it's directly wrong and you think why? Um, my mom gets it wrong all the time and it really I'm like, I lived inside of you for nine months and these Pajama pants are been dazzle like, what the fuck? Maybe Fair? You didn't have any personality for those nine months, I know. But like, she got me a gym membership and a dictionary on my teen birthday. That's my fun. If there's one thing we established is I've got a pretty good group on the English language. I don't need a dictionary and we also have Google. Love you, Mama, feelist. Well, that wasn't that long ago. For years ago she got your dictionary. was a special one. Actually. You know what, I'm sorry, if my mom listens to this, you'll get really offended a mess about this, because when my mom was eighteen, she wanted a pair of gold earrings for her birthday and her mother bought her I'm a quarry dictionary and we still had it in the house. Oh, because it was a big joke, but she was depressed out the dictionary. Okay, she bought me one for Mine and, as I joke, it's not really a joke, mom, because it is my tenth birthday and you did buy me this. So actually you're just being shit too. She got my other stuff as well, but the gym membership is like, you know you need it was. It was targeted, because I don't think that a gym membership inherently is like a mean thing, because sometimes it's like it's an expensive thing and I know this person wants to go to the gym. One of the qualities I inherited from my mother is that I can't lie, and she will not going to be bigger this week, and it's a week by week basis. This she can tell, you can tell, so I can see a draw line more I think it's we didn't have dessert those two nights. It's legit. Someone on your frame. You couldn't tell the two nights of dessert. No, she's BILIPPA macause listen. If you're not listening, on a about it because you're prestiff. But yeah, it's not that I think gift giving is a red flag, but I think like it's just a representation of like yes, yeah, especially when they're really excited to hear it to you and then you're like wow. I just thought of another one, and that is I think you'll agree with this, is that when the expectations of your friendship are mismatched. So there's friends are like. You know, I find it difficult when I because I have quite a few friends live overseas and things and we have very different expectations of how often we face time and how when we message and what we do and the Blah and how the friendship goes when they move back overseas or when they come back. Yeah, and I I struggle when people have a very different expectation of how it'll be, HMM, and how often we should chat and things like that, and I kind of think it's not that they're a red flag and expecting that we talk like that's that's ridiculous. Yeah, but over time there becomes a divide, HMM, and if we're not kind of on the same page, like let's have a one hour face time every three months. Wouldn't they want to talk, you know, at least once a week? I kind of think, well, what we have to say? Yeah, and it's it kind of just creates a sort of chasm in the friendship, I think sometimes, and that's not a red flag on them, it's just something that kind of breaks it. Yeah, well, I guess for me, and again this is one of the things that's like maybe not a red flag, but like because I'm not one to have like heaps of more casual friends, I think that if I, if I sent someone who's kind of a bit of a like Social Butterfly in that way trying, I'm just like, I'm just not going to we're not going to be offering each other what each other wants because I don't want I don't want friends that I'm going to see like every six months. So so you're really glad you don't do sometimes I get new friends and the sounds that sounds so pretential. Every week shut up. Every day I was like, so I made a new friend. If I talk to a friend, govery could no, I feel so bad if I make any front of that. Guess I've made your friends like Oh, your friend but I absolutely fine. It's so uncomfortable and someone like...

...messages me good night. Oh that's what I'm sorry this. If you're listening, you're probably like bitch. If you're not dating, it's it's just odd, like you. I. I'm so glad you've never, you've never liked greeted me of a message. It's just like I owning fleet. It's like how I just like if I could spelt a refront baby one of our message exchange, actually, because I screenshot at on my computer. No, less really embarrassing for you. I was sort of a fad. Actually, they were my messages, but they were two your three friends. Great Shop. It's thirty am. I love it. I like all the high school musicals. Number two is the worst, but the songs are bobs eight, forty one am wrecking ball is winning on my ig Paul, we made the right choice. I think ten or seven. Do you ever feel like our lives the harder because we are smart? The time I message to you, you could be see cheek if you ware, because I was scrolling back to see I was checking like some some receipts. Yeah, I was looking at the receipts and then I just saw that and I was just like, I'm the most basic. Well, I just love to you haven't responded to anybody. Let's clarify, because you just said the touch. They're all, Christen. Yeah, you're all there. All I actually have a good reply, though, but sometimes, yeah, you are a good reply. Didn't mean to roast you know, no, but I think I do the same thing to you. But I feel comfortable because I'm like, I can send you three sets of messages and you're not going to say because she's like nothing, I never do. You're not gonna do that. Yet I also love that it's like the conversation doesn't end, but it rapidly changes. For example, Christian and I we're talking about slow coocause yesterday and we both just exactly the same second. You what it was in snow, slow, good talk, and we both at the same time set a message about a different topic. Yeah, and it was like we both went for the change of conversation and both went for different topic changes, but we both knew the exact moment when I was like so, ecs fine, and there's no like you don't have to reply to the person's last message. You just stop the new idea. Yeah, exactly. It's quite sweet. We do have an ongoing conversation pretty much always, and it doesn't it's kind of regardless of like the time. Yeah, so if it's because usually I actually usually turn my notifications off at like ten. Okay, so then I'm just like, Oh, just revisit whatever topic. Yes, you've had suchewing in your brain over and I sometimes it will be just like Oh, popped in my head the next morning. Yeah, that, but most of the time it is just like someone's gone to sleep earlier and someone's had a fucked thought eleven third yeah, the last ago with the fuck thought starts. Most of our message is audest like weird thinks coming out of it doesn't make sense. But Yeah, sorry, it's an accidental red flag when someone says like hi morning, Oh, like but night's like well, I'm like, Oh, come we not for me. That's not a red flight, but I do. It's a message that's like someone, that's something. The plumber sis there coming over there, and our owning morning seven an hour. I think it's I don't know. I feel like since working corporate, I'm more like formal in might like it. I need to consciously get out of that. Yes, or it's not a red flacus. But you go because, like I often will send a text it's just like hey, so and so, yes, and then sometimes they can put Christen at the bottom of yeah, I, depending on who it is. Yeah, and I'm like Oh, I'm fifty. Kindly. Yeah, I was gonna attack because I I think I've done kindly, but it was for like a prospective yes, scient or something like that. Yeah, yeah, it's. But also it's because it's like, Oh, this is professional communication, but it's a text. M Let me assault, assault, let me consult my list. Okay, I've got doesn't like your boyfriend on there. Well, depends on the boyfriend. I exactly. I feel like it's yeah, it's not necessarily like I feel like if all your other friend, if everyone in your life likes your boyfriend, exce for one friend, it's a red flag on them. Yeah, yeah, or even just the fact that they keep, like, if they keep criticizing your boyfriend even past the point where it's like, okay, well, we've been together for like ten years now, so you can start doing that kind of when they're a bit too mean to them. Yes, I'm sorry, but you have to have a separate friendship with them to do that. You can't. Yeah, wet, because I think that's an assumption that you and your boyfriend like the same entity. Yeah, they think as an attachment of you, they can say horrible things about them and it's not funny and it's not cool. Yeah, because it's just bitchy behind their back. But I think because it's to you, it's the same thing. Yeah, you can't really. I mean I won't say you can't, because I think some people it's kind of they do. But in my opinion I feel like you should not pile on to like a friend's partner when they're talking. Like, say, if you came and you're like, Oh my God, David Son, he did this thing, I wouldn't be like, Oh my God, I cannot believe David did that thing.

That is the worst thing I've ever heard in my whole life. Anyway. And also, he's this, and also he's that and also, but I love it because when I come here on my day, did this, n's like David's a safe you, hey, rose, you. It's good. That's what I need, because I don't come here and I never tell people things for them to pile on. I'm yet like expressing relationship issues. No, mean more than one friend? Yes, same ever, yeah, because I think that it gives people. Sorry, if you do this, I support you because I think it's okay to do that. HMM, but I think that, and I think people can get this. Sometimes you have risky friends in that when you tell them the bad, they archive and archive and archived. Yes, but you don't often tell them the good in the same capacity. Yes, same extent. Yeah, so they're just like many a review of a restaurant. Exactly. Yeah, over time, the building blocks of their view of your partner become the history of the shit. Yeah, and once I should I mean if you have a shit past, that's another bit problem. What I mean is if I come in and I say, David picked his nose and put up my leg today, and you're like building hundreds of those over years. It's just like a weird look. Probably does it to me at least once a week. Yeah, I do today, but every day he ever done it to me. I was actually totally I don't know what I find. I'm really humorous. It's really funny. Feel like he hates Alva. Oh really, I was. I look like a like a little drule. Honestly, that's that's comedy. No one's around to see it. Yeah, sorry, I got'd so, Dad, I try to play that on you, but it was opposite. But you know what I mean, like, I don't like building any minor complaint. Yeah, and it's not about me not feeling like sharing or about me like trying to hide issues with my part that's not it. Yeah, I just think that sometimes we run this risk of painting this portrait that we don't mean, and then he isn't accurate. Yeah, to an external person who can sometimes take it away. And often, if your friend is in any way an orange tinged flat, that becomes something else that is spread to other people. Yes, painted floorly, and I don't want my friends to have rights, not to have rise. I don't want my friends, I want them to not be out of it. I don't want my friends to feel like they have the right to pile onto my partner because of things I told them three years ago, yeah, where I was like hey, slut on the couch because he told me x. You know what I mean. It's like something ridiculous and we just agreed about you know a current affair or somewhere, Ye, pray scriptuals outfit, like yes, this is ridiculous. MMM, I don't make him do that, by the way. Okay, that actually happened to me one time where I think I've told you this, where like I had a friend who would bring up like all but remember, you did say this about him like three years ago, and I'm just like mate, like I forgot about that, like why do you? And the other thing is you can kind of tell if you've told you know, to and I generally only say things to to one friend the same, but if you've told two friends, and when I was younger I did this about the issues, and one is like, Oh, you know, I think like you know, you guys can work it out. You know, you're young, blah, blah, blah, that kind of talk, and the other one is just like, I don't know, because I think she'd break up with him. It's just like, okay, well, which one of you has my best interests at heart? When I know it's not like and I know that there are times when it's like the person who's telling you like this is not good does have your best interests, but when it's I don't know. I feel like I have. I'm switched enough to like understand what the actual some people aren't, which is what we get. Yeah, exact, but that's another red flag. People who think that I'm can't hand like that I'm an idiot. This is something that what this worth mentioning is that I think we're running on the assumption that both of our friendships, like with each other and with others, we kind of picked people that are intellectually matched to us. Yeah, and so when I'm approaching someone and we have the same views, thoughts, feelings and expectations of ourselves and each other, their advice should come from the same place that my advice would come from, and that's the person I would tell these things. Exactly. Yeah, me too. So their interests are probably this. It's vice versa. MM. So the issue might be then, that for others they're telling multiple friends with extremely different sets of values and thoughts on accountability and responsibility in those situations. Yes, so it kind of comes back to a question of which opinion do you trust, because which opinion would you give in the role reversal? Yeah, and it's kind of just like, because I trust that my friends have the same interest capacity and things as me. I trust that and I only need to tell one. Yeah, and I probably will tell mother because I've a but it depends on the situation. Like I have, you know, a few close friends that I would go to an offer because I think there would be slight variances in...

...the advice. Yeah, that's important, and that's not about like partner stuff, that's about work stuff, that's about anything. Yeah, but it's kind of running on the assumption that yet they're in the same space as you or willing to offer you advice as honest and transparent as you'd offer them. Yes, exactly, and I always seek out those people for advice, like the people who I know, and even there have been because often, and I've said this before, I am seeking kind of confirmation that my, you know, decision or my reaction was like correct in quotes. But, and that's not to say that I don't, I'm just looking for people to be like Oh Christ, when you're in the right. It's just it's kind of more like that's just where I go because I'm like, oh well, I need to be sympathy and I know this person's going to give me sympathy, blah, blah, blah, whatever. But if you like the hard truth, you go to someone else. Yeah, well, usually I don't want that. Well, that to that you're saying. You just you just said I don't people just agree with me, but then you exactly everything you said after that is like I got people to agree with me. I don't. I think it's the phrase hard truth that I don't like. Okay, you just want honest advice from that person what their opinion is. Yes, so, for example, I have one friend who I talk to you about work stuff and one time she gave me this insight that I'm like, Oh, I had not considered that ever, and it was purely because she had the perspective of not being in the situation. So I'm like that's where they're yeah, and yes, yes, that's true. And so I guess what I prefer, what I'm looking for often is like an outside perspective, but I'm not looking for a hard truth like I guess usually Wan't true. Seek that out. Hard truth cells itself as the answer you don't want to hear. Yeah, well, that's it isn't necessarily what it means. It just means that that person is going to tell you what they think. Yeah, I guess it's not truth, is it? Yeah, but that person is going to tell you what they think, regardless of whether you'll lack it or not. Honestly, I just I don't think I'm the person who needs the hard truths to be told to them, because I think I usually already know it. Yeah, also coming from like I really respect what you say when you say, like I know myself, I know what I'm going to decide. I know these things, so I don't want the art with it's kind of like scary to me because I just think like, Oh, I don't want to say that, like I know and I don't assume that I know. But it's coming from a place of very early s lacking confidence in my decisions and wanting, you, everyone's opinion about something before I make a decision, because I like need this sort of, yeah, validation of the ideas that other people have to make sure I'm on the right path. Yeah, when in reality I I probably am more inclined to what you say. Like I think I do trust myself, and think what I don't trust is the look that I'll have if I do something without asking yea, sounds ridiculous, but yet a friendship red flag that I like. That that's that's me as a red flag, because I don't I want to appeal like I know what I want. Yeah, I know the decision in my in my guard. I know what I want, I know what I want to decide and yeah, know what I want to do. But sometimes I feel like I have to ask people just to like appear that I've been considered and yeah, but it's decision. It's also like it's kind of like, you know, gathering research. It's like, well, especially because if you have friends who are, you know, quite late intellectually match, you're too kind of like well, you know this person. These are all people who think like me and I don't. For me, sometimes it's because sometimes, and it does, it's rare, but sometimes I can be very blinded to one side of an issue and if someone can like present that to me, I'm just like wow, and I will really, because I only go to people that I'm ready to listen to their advice or listen to their perspective. I would never go to someone who and be like a, well, you know, you're just wrong, like I I wellcommit because it either strengthens my argument that I've have for myself or it kind of breaks it apartner it's like, Oh my God, this part I hadn't even considered. So if it's something that, yeah, I've kind of been blind to, I really like yeah, and if, again, I get maybe that is at I don't know. I just don't feel like it's the hard truth. It's more just like, well, have you considered this aspect? I guess you're saying it's never the hard truth because you've probably already considered it. Yeah, deep, deep down, it's or something totally left field. That's like but thrown a spanner in the work. I guess the other thing is, going back to it what I just said before about how like I kind of know what I want anyway, and something that kind of proves that to me is that, and this is a red flag again on me, me being a Red Flag, is that I know that I know what I want if I start explaining the situation to someone else and I know I'm not painting the accurate picture. Yeah, right, I know what my decision is and it's actually poor of me to continue explaining that scenario for an opinion which mino is an objective because I haven't been objective. Yeah, I don't lie, but when I start arguing the point in already kind of weakens the story, because I know I'm not being like I know I'm saying. You know I was was just threatening me as like it's not really a threat if you break down the dialog. Han I stopping dramatic, but...

...it's like I'm asking whether I should quit or not. Yeah, and of course I'm trying to make them say quick. Yeah, I already know what I want. Yes, I'm not being objective. It's like really don't want a hard truth, do I? Yeah, because I'm painting a picture that it's not the I mean, you can never really paint the most transparent picture. Yeah, but you get what I'm saying. MMM, yeah, yeah, well, I think I do that as well. If there's like element. Yeah, they'll be elements that I leave out because it's kind of like well, you know, and then this happened and then this have because sometimes when I I don't really second guess myself, but I just kind of like get really wrapped up in like the opposing view and like the cons because, I mean, every decision will have at least one con and I'm just like, Oh my God, this con fuck, this is it's gonna kill me. But I have to go back and like, you know, check my list of like yeah, pros and that kind of yeah, when I'm explaining to someone, I might leave out the con. Yeah, that makes it. And and the thing, yeah, it. It does come back to me saying, like, how can I claim to want accountability and responsibility because I've made the decision in my head and then I'm not really providing my friends that opportunity to give me what is their good advice? Yeah, and I'd rather probably not tell them at all and make the decision on my own. HMM, then lie and paying a Pi, yeah, for an opinion that it's just going to validate me. Interesting. So there are decisions you've made that you haven't told anyone? Thinking about it? No, because I can't ever think of something I didn't think and directly say, because I'm a fucking horrible because I'm fucking horrible being quiet. Ever, yeah, me to. I just can't think. I can't think of like a more than small size decision. Yeah, but you know what, actually, what I will say is it's not that I have. I keep my decision secret. It's more like I'll tell the story, but I won't ask with the advice. Yeah, story accurately. HMM. And then sometimes I tell the story, my friends will be like they man's not asking us. Inform me. Yeah, yeah, I have a I mean I am a chatterbox. Yeah, so, quite, just like I do. I talk a lot doing this leak, Christ I could like if I tried. So I like people to know. Yeah, what's going on? Yeah, yeah, I'm like, if I have an update, I might excuse me, everybody. This is my update. But do you notice that when I'm like work, you're like know what, you don't like, Honny, you do this. Is this because I'm telling you and I'm not saying what should I do, Christen, I I'm saying I can imagine. Can you even imagine? And it's like that's highly the work you yeah, I think, Um, interesting, because I'm because, if ID, this is what this has me. has me a bit shook actually, because I feel like I'm the person who always gives an opinion, but you give the opinion that I need, which is it? You should quit, because you wouldn't give that opinion. Yeah, it's an income. Your opinion is I'm on your side and I angry. That's awful, yeah, isn't it? Yeah, I did. It's time to you and I say exactly, say exactly why. It's awful. Yeah, break down at the it's awful because had that shit about. To just say back. I do. Did all these things. Doesn't try to us. I wanders and stand by everything. I was absolutely too, but I suggested that Christen poison someone that I still much not cha lethal way that any cops us today get diarrhea. If you found us just totally a relatable and quack, come back next Wednesday for a new episode. Until then, head to cheek, Mediacom Donna you to tie you over until then. By good day.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (97)