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The Weekly Cheek
The Weekly Cheek

Episode · 9 months ago

53. How did I discover my bisexuality?

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

In this episode, we're talking bisexuality! Kristin has recently come to realise she's bi and we're talking about it. 

Find us online at cheekmedia.com.au and on socials @cheekmediaco

Hello, I'm Christ and Parison Otto and I'm hard a focus and and we're co founders of Cheek mediac this is the weekly Cheek podcast. Demi, the latter. I've always had a crush on her and I have identified that as a crush, which is really strange. You've gone from being like fuck you think like I love me. Really is the year of realizing things. Before we start this podcast, I would like to acknowledge the traditional owners of the land that we record this podcast on and operate our business, the Yago and terable people, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present and emerging. This is Christen, just coming in at the top of the episode. We uploaded this episode a couple of days ago and since then our lovely followers on instagram have alerted us to the fact that we have Miss Gender Demi Levato in this episode. So we have referred to Demi as she her. However, Demi uses they then pronouns, so I would like to apologize for this oversight. Now that we're aware. We wanted to pop in and apologize before you listen to this episode. Welcome back to the weekly cheek welcome. We today are going to talking about, well, Jesus, my sexuality. Okay, I'm by congratulation. Thank you, Queen. It's taken me twenty eight years to realize because I'm an idiot. Why are you an idiot? Know, because I've been socialized. Okay, so I'll tell you why. I think I've been very stupid, and I already say this about myself, obviously, because I've considered myself an ally of the LGBT Qia movement community for my whole adult life and I'm a very progressive and open minded person, right, and I think how? I not clue. But okay, I I think you can. I mean, I'm not here to battle with your inner de moves about. No, it's good, that's but way want for the content. I think that being an ally and understanding your own attraction is totally different, like it's about your personal values and acceptance and friendships and like how you love and accept other people if you're an ally, and how you sort...

...of just accept that you know what was love, you know. I you know, hate to say it because it's like Oh, yeah, here we go, Ye, but it's just like I there's nothing beyond that, whereas actually understanding and sort of working through your own attractions and feelings and emotions towards others is kind of a different thing. What made you realize so? I it just popped into my head one day. Really Weird these are a particular person was there. Like how did you when you did have this moment, like how did you work through like what what got you from point Ay to be so sorry? It's very no, it's very like anyone who knows me will be like that is such a you way to do it. It literally the thought just like like cross through my mind, like it walks through my mind like maybe you're bisexual, and I was like interesting thought. And then I was like hmm, as I was doing something at the time, and then I was like we just lie here and think about that for a bit, and I did lie there and think about and I was like okay, interesting, like if that's there. Wasn't some light Bob. It was just like Oh, yeah, yeah, I don't know where the thought came from. It just popped into my head and then I went for a walk outside. I don't even think I had my headphones. I just like walked around outside and I was like interesting, but then I feel like since then you've had quite a few explosions. Yeah, so that's sort to subscribe them as explosions, that I would call them that. Well, I was also so that weekend I was home alone, my partner was away for work and it was on this Saturday, and so I was just like okay, and then I think like told him later that night and it was like Oh okay, like that's what was his reception of it at the time. And then I think it was the following weekend, so one week later, where I was like thinking all these things and I was like it's like actually like what the fuck, because my first thought was like Oh, that's interesting, like how...

...weird that I didn't think of this earlier. And I guess, I don't know, I guess it's like all just parts of coming to terms with something that you've realized about yourself, and so I was kind of, I don't know, just like wasn't really that deep. In the first week. I was like Huh, strange, right, because I've always and what I've said to you before, I always thought that at all straight people were a little bit gay like that sort I just thought like when someone said they were straight, I was like yet, but no one's like straight straight, like no one is a hundred percent straight. That was always my thoughts and I think it's also this phenomenon where women get a lot of emotional attachment and support from each other. So I think that a lot of women who maybe attracted other women feel that it's just quite normal and they can yeah, well, that's like that's kind of the thing. Like I just thought it was normal. Let and because, and I'm getting into like some of the bigger thoughts that I was having, women are so sexualized. So like it's impossible to avoid seeing sexualized images of women. Yes, it is so impossible. So it's just hard to tell sometime what it was. For me anyway, it was hard for me to tell whether it's just like I've just like seen so many images of women sexualized for like that I didn't really understand. I just thought it was like, Oh, it made me angry, like it made me angry how much women were sexualized, and I was just like ill, like why is this happening? is so gross. Since you've kind of drawn the conclusion and said, Oh, I'm bisexual, what has happened like in terms of realizing and maybe reflecting on, because I know we talked a little bit about you know, there's certain maybe celebrities or people that you didn't realize that you were attracted to and you sort of associated that with a fan type of yeah, right, so lady wrote that up because I was also thinking about okay, so I just I answer the first bit. So they were like a lot of celebrities, like women. Obviously we're talking about Molly Cyrus was...

...a big one. Like always had this weird demi the ladder. I've always had a crush on her and I have identified that as a crush, which is really strange. I've identified that as a crush for the last like ten years. I've always said, like, I've a crush and Demi Lavado, but never for a moment did I think that might be indicative of something else, something bigger. I've had crushes on women all the time that I talked about. That I have talked about for the last like ten years of my life. But so that wasn't but that was that. But was really aggressive, I feel like, prior to your bisexual realization. So I can keep calling it the great realization. Yeah, that's what I call it. Prior to this. I felt like you were open to being like, I didn't feel like you weren't attracted to women. Yeah, does that make sense? Yes, like I never thought, I never thought kristen straight, but I didn't really think about your sexuality. Yeah, I just thought, you know, I don't know if that's weird as a friend, but I just thought like when we would talk about this, I felt like I actively need, like at a crush on different women, but I didn't, I think, and this may be very heteronomou of me and it's maybe problematic. I'm going to dud myself in here, but maybe it's because you're in a long term relationship with a man and so you talking about having crushes on women. I associate that in like the way that I would say, like I might so have a crush my sis, but I would never want to have a sexual relationship with her or being a relationship with her. Yeah, I think we throw the word around. Yeah, and I think that I never thought. I thought that you would be interested in having a sexual relationship with a woman. Big. I think maybe my brain didn't really think that far, because I was like, Oh, well, kristen is in a longtime relationship with a man and will be with him forever, because they're the greatest couple I've ever known. That he's. Yeah, well, I thought the same and I've even said things to like thinking back, and this is like I've been with Nick for eight years and I think I said this at the start of our relationship. I think I said to him like one day, like how, what percentage gay do you think you are? And I said that I was twenty percent. Still didn't didn't think that that was notable. I was...

...just everyone because, like I just thought everyone was gay. But I've I've actually said to someone before, probably nick. I've said, like I think Hannah's like straighter than me, and even then still nothing. But I've always thought but weirdly, when I think that Allso, when I have previously thought that all straight people were a bit gay, for that was just like a level of normal, and I do actually think that there are problems with that kind of sentiment, because I think that's like that is birasure, and I was like by raising myself, but but now that I have come to realization that there is a word for that, I don't I don't think that anymore. I just want to clarify, but I never for a second thought that all gay people are a bit straight. Yes, and I wonder, I don't know why that is, if it's just because of my own experience and I had identified as straight with a little bit of attractive attraction to women. The more thought about it, I'm only a little bit attracted to men, like, honestly would say I'm at like five percent. Probably Right now, Nick, you're lucky. So like be Hee's like snuck in. So I just think that's so like, what the fuck was I anyway? But I think it's because, see, HMM, society. I think it's because women, and and this probably sounds really reductive, but I think women have a great appreciation and love for other women, HM, and like I mean all the women I know. Yeah, and not in a sexual way necessarily, but I think that there is a lot of romance in the friendships that I know. Does that? That sounds a bit gross, but what I mean is, like, I'm not a romantic sort of person, but like I really love my friends, I love giving gifts, I love having quality time, I love acts of service, and that might be like traditional romance, but the way that I think about it, and that's a kind of a weird concept, I guess. But like I dedicate a lot of time and energy to my friends, equally to my partner. Like I actually think that...

I spend probably more time with thinking about my friends and like our friendship and dedicating like my energy towards those things. So, like, I think in a way a lot of the time, and when you know, I'm a straight person. I'm not attracted to women and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a woman. But like I love the women in my life so much. So I think in a way, like there's some sort of admiration and adoration there. Yeah, and I think that's kind of part of the reason that you might you know that you might have been. Does that make sense as a boy? Does it does? Like, I know when I say Romans, it was like you just imagining roses and weird fucking Shit. But, like, do you know what I mean? Like I think that that energy that's dedicated. Like men don't. I find that straight says men don't give each other that no as readily, as freely as honestly. Ever, yeah, I'm really never seen an example of two straight sis men doing nice doing nice things for each other like significant. No, ME, neither. Actually, my boyfriend has a friend that they do. Nice's very special post of boys for and well, I think that's another reason why like I have when I think back now, because the it's different, like with celebrities just like this. I don't know, like I've ever been like a fanatic. I never never been a fan girl. I wouldn't say S I I definitely I'll just say that out from the Bat, right and I would just would have thought that like the way that I have, like you know, had I don't want to use the word obsession because like it's not really that deep, but I guess that's a good word for it, like latch onto to people like Miley Cyrus is because, like I have, like in quotes, like known her as a fan for like fifteen years and so and I feel like she's always been like they're around and I've always been like interested in what she's doing and what she's putting out there. And I also remember, like I was so like happy when she you know, I think she's come out a couple of times like with different labels, but I was just...

...like Oh, I was like so excited by that news. She pansexual, I think she's pen and she has come out previously as gender fluid, Yep, but I don't know what she identifies as now. But like I found those things like exciting and like I was happy for her in a way that wasn't. That wouldn't I wouldn't have reacted to someone else saying that, yeah, but even more like so fucking obvious. is how I have done the same kind of thing with women that I actually know and like I know that this is whole like trope, like women who come out as by or lesbian and they say, like, Oh, it's so obvious. I had a crush my best friend and I have never gone through that, like my friendships have. Even looking back now like with this like perspective, my friendships with women have always been just genuine friendships and I haven't I don't think I've liked ever gotten that kind of thing confused, but they have been definitely women on like more on the periphery that I've just like developed a weird right and again, I don't want to say obsession, because it's just not it's not like copy, but I don't I but I think the word obsession has so many bad connotations right and I think it's more used for celebrity. I think when it comes to like women on the Proofrey, it might just be like this, and I think it's admiration or respect more and then you realize later that it's probably an attraction to who they are. It's also it's been women that I had no a bile or gay again, what the fuck? Hello, wake up to those dots? Yeah, literally, yeah, the fuck anyway. But it wasn't. It would be like a friend of a friend or like someone that I've like met through a like a work context or something like that. Not Not people that I've worked with. I'm just trying to like cover my basis kin. Don't want anyone to no one listening will ever know who I'm talking about, because I've never I've never really talked about it. But just like I don't know, like I'll like scroll all the way back through the instagram and I'll be, like they'll just pop into my head randomly,...

...even it, even if we don't really talk, even if we're not close or friendly at all, but I'll just like I will be very interested in their lives and, like I would like to know what they're up to and I'd like to see their pics and I'd like to do this in that yeah, but it has yet again, it has never really Trent like translated into like a genuine crush. It's just been like a weird interest. You're so controlled. No, but like that's and that's not. I think it's called repress. Well, being straight as way do accepted. Some would say that is actually interesting because if I would happily say to about a man like Oh, I was like really obsessed, I was like looking at all this stuff, when I'm talking about it about a win woman, I feel like the need to like soften what I was doing. So I don't think creepy. Yeah, that's really interesting, and that's just because like man should be thankful. Yeah, exactly, but it's because it's like more like there's no threat. Yes, I know when a woman's doing that to a man. So, yeah, that was been and I literally only realized that yesterday. I was like, wow, I do this all the time, but I don't like this is strange, but if a woman was attracted to me, would be the biggest compliment of my life. Yeah, means more than a man being attracted. Okay, this is ridiculous, but someone recently, if they're listening, they'll know. But I think this is like the best come when I've ever gotten this woman. I'm going to this woman I know got, I think, quite a toxicated one evening a couple of months ago and messaged me and said, just so you know, you're my whole pass and she singles. Maybe she feel like a standing all, but yeah, and I was like, Oh my God, that isn't Nice. Just think anyone's ever said to me. And I have so much respect for this person, like I really admire them career wise, professionally, like I think they're amazing. So I was like, Oh my God, that's the biggest complement ever right, like if a members attracted me, I'd be like yeah, but if I'm in said that, you just feel like ill. It's just because of like the threat, yeah, but also just because I'm I mean again,...

I just have like I love a girl boss, like I love women who, you know, have like this particular person. I really respects us. Like this is huge, not because I'm ever going to be attracted to you like that, but it's just like such a compliment because it's just like one woman respecting another woman and there is no threat. You right, yeah, but I was just like wow, wow, and so another thing that I like this is this is it was this bit that really got me and I was just like so fucking angry about it and just like what the F is wrong with my brain? I know I'm speaking very aggressively. It's mostly for comedic effect and I was pissed at the time. I was like, what the fuck is walk? Is With you? What is with you? Wake up to yourself? Is that I realized that a lot of the like like ridiculous, comparative stuff that I have done in my life, like in my adult life, is, has been because of my sexuality and like, I don't really and probably, I mean I think I put out this vibe as well, like I'm not the type who like compares myself like that is not me. I know we should be a little insecure sometimes, Jeez, its hard to be around. Like I am. I am a very secure person, and I also just like think that stuff is like so like, I don't know, such a waste of time, like you're right, I just thought afficial and Queen. Thank you, Queen. I don't know the time for that. I have important things to do, like I just don't. I've never been the type of person who's like following, apart from like after my teen years. I'm talking about in my adult life, who follows like women, because I'm like, Oh, I want to get her body or I want to get her hair, I want to get her whatever. Like I've never been that type of person. I'm and it's not even that I've actively been like no, I'm done with that. It's just like, once I became an adults and like grew into myself, I was like,...

...well, who, what like that? They're they're not me, like that's never going to be. I'm never going to look like anyone else kind of thing. I'm like, I just am who I am whatever. Well, she made it out a live folks. I know, crazy. Congratulations, thanks, queen and so, but I did still like if I saw women in real life or online who had like and I think it always happens with the people who have a look a little bit like you, because but then like, you know, a little bit like you, but like, let's say, you perceive them to be a bit better. It's like, Oh, I could be that like, if I tried a bit harder, if I did this a bit more, if I didn't do that, to the women who, yeah, kind of resemble me, have some characteristics that look like mine, I have in the past been like Oh, well, like, oh, she's just like a little bit better than me physically, and I hate that. I'm just like that, such a waste of time, like this isn't you, like, what the fuck are you wasting a time with this? And I have spent so long, like probably seven or eight years, actively whenever I get those thoughts, being like no, that's not that's not like, that's not for you, that's it's not for me. It is like I am so much more confident than this, and it's antifeminist. That's what I always felt. I'm like, it's antifeminist too, because, like we all, we all like have some type of urge to compare ourselves and either decide and basically, when we're comparing ourselves to others physically or even in in other ways, but I'm speaking up physically, we will decide whether we are like better or worse than that person, and that, I think, is I mean, it's really toxic. Obviously but I would do that, even though I'm like, it's not who I am and it goes against like every one of my values. So I would do that to women and, you know, decide whether, like that person is like better or worse than me and and what ways. And I'd be like what the fuck, like, don't do that, like that's so stupid. That's antifeminist.

The IT really concerned. The antifeminist thing was the thing that really bothered me. I'm like, this woman is like walking around mining home business, like what, who the fuck am I? A man, I think, not an agent for the patriarchy. And then, when I realize I was by I was like, I just have a fucking crush on that. I'm so stupid. Do you think all of them? I think so. So are you? Do you find that you're particularly attracted to women with the same body type as you? Me, yes, this is so interesting to me, but I've ever met someone who is attracted to someone with the same body type as them interesting and that's not a shot. That's just like really interesting. I guess. I don't think other people would reach this conclusion, because you're going, I'm comparing myself, but it's because you're attract but that's a I find that pipeline confusing from my perspective, like you've gone from being like fuck you think like I love me, you love me. It's actually quite empowering. I realize that. One day I was like walking along the street and I was like that is so empowering. Yeah, every time I'm just like, oh, she's got something. Shit. Am I attracted to tall, like extremely large man, because I'm an extremely large woman and they have the same body type of me. Really is the ear realizing things. Finally I can justify myself. You a few realizations before the years. Sorry the straight to have had enough time to talk back to you. Thank you, but yeah, I just think it's because it's a bit weird actually, like I don't really know why, but I think because, like during school and whatever, like, I don't I don't know. I would never describe myself as an insuer person, but I was very aware of the fact that like no one looked like me, like I didn't see anyone around me or on TV who like muscly, particularly in the way that I muscle. Like I have a lot of body muscle even before I was training. So it was just like natural muscle like on the upper body, and also these were like before...

...the Kardashian so they weren't even people who had like like big butts, were not in the like glorified the way they are now. Early two thousand and two thousand and tens were all about, you know, you have plastickly in to make the criteria exactly, and that's and that was when I was a teenager, and so I was kind of just like always aware of the fact that like, like these people who are being helding, held up to this, you know, great heights, like don't look anything like me. And I think that when I got into powerlifting, that all change, because my not even like my physical like my appearance, but like my type of body excelled in that sport and it was finally like oh, everything that previously I have seen not represented is actually like a huge asset to me, and I think that whole process, like I talked about my Korean power lifting in a another episode, and there were lots of like problematic things, but in terms of what it did for my like, I guess, comfort in my own body were was huge, and also I was like always surrounded with and I looked up to other women who look like me too, and so I think that is when everything changed. And now, like, and I don't want to be disrespectful, but like, I just when I see you know particularly I'm talking about like, you know, model like women who are, you know, very, very skinny, I'm just like, not really interest. I don't know, I'm just like are like, I've seen it. It's not for you. Yeah, it's just not for me. But I think that's like and, and this is nothing against them as people. That's not what we're saying. I think the point being that everyone consumes a heap of content every single day, thousands and thousands of photos, articles, everything online, right. It's very easy to categorize what isn't. Isn't for you. Yeah, exactly, and that's kind of what you mean. You don't mean as a person, that you're riding them off. You mean I gamine, I hate them. You mean in terms of what, at the end of the day, when you're scrolling through Instagram, when you're watching Youtube, that's...

...not in your feed, that is not part of your algorithm. I think that's the terrific way to say is stopped at it, and I also I think that part of it is because I spent a lot of time training really hard and I understand how much effort it takes and how much work it takes to like build muscle, for example, and so there is a like an element of like respect for the work that they did. When I see like a woman who is muscly, yeah, like it's like, Oh, you didn't just like you are just born like that. Like, yeah, I do respect like the and I don't know, this is it's getting a bit like, and I don't want to be do or disclaimers, but I particularly talking about like a muscly people not like fit necessarily. You're talking about a body type as opposed to lifestyle brand. Yeah, so I like muscles, um which happens to be what doesn't. It's not a circumstance, which is what I have and that is what I'm interested in. H that's kind of really good for Selfconfidence, right. Yeah, it is. Being attracted to your own body type is like great for waking up in the morning. It is. That's notice. It's kind of weird. Yeah, I've just never thought about it like something like that before. Yeah, and going back to the whole thing where I would like, you know, think that I might comparing myself to these women and then feeling really bad about it and feeling like I'm a bad feminist like that would that was like it's actually quite taxing to feel that, because you know you're true, you're so you're we all know that those thoughts, those like, you know, anti feminist, patriarchal, intrusive, like internalized missogyny, exactly all of those thoughts and they can be applied, you know, across or intersections. But we all know that those are where socialized with those thoughts and we all know that it's like you do have to do the work to get out of it. But for me, what was so hard was like I was doing the work and it wasn't like it wasn't really didn't have results exactly, like I wasn't stopping doing it and...

I don't know, like looking back now, like that's makes me a bit sad, but at the time I wasn't just like, Oh my God, why is this happening, like I'm trying so hard. But looking back, like the amount of effort I went to to be trade, like the amount of like cognity dissonance, like mental gymnastics like what that I did to be well, going through this whole process, like going through this whole process of like thinking something and then thinking it was antifeminist, and then thinking I'd been socialized to think that and then thinking how am I going to get stop thinking these things? Dances, did you ever have like when? Sorry, I only see what you mean about that process, but like, did you ever, in terms of the mental gymnastics, like we ever feel I am a tractor woman, I having like a sexual, relational thought about a woman, and then try and talk yourself out of it, like you know, how did this culminate? No, I never I had those thoughts. Like I had like crushes and things on women, but you wouldn't try and like back out of it, because you accepted to some level. Yeah, but I think that's the most interesting part for me. Yeah, is like you would have these thoughts and he would acknowledge them and verbalize them, but not to the extent where you like drew this conclusion. Yeah, yeah, it was. It's really weird, like it was just like I definitely don't feel as though I've been repressed, like my upbringing was very open, like I did go to a religious school, which, you know, I don't know, it's hard to tell, like in hindsight, like I guess maybe that could have slowed the process of my realizing down, but I can't really say that for sure. But I never, I never was like, oh my God, like push these thoughts where this is not right. Yeah, actually, interestingly, the one of the things that happened to end lost like a millennial. I don't like evile and that it's like very genuine, like I don't like labels, but at that I don't think this. That's part of it. But I just felt like I wasn't like, and this is like the by struggle, I never felt like I was like gay enough or whatever,...

...enough to identify as someone in the LGBT community. You just thought, because it's a spectrum, you weren't only attracted to men, but you didn't qualify for a bisexual. Yes, a categorize. I. She was definitely a sub more subconscious thought that I had right that I was like that would be quite rude of me actually, because I've told I've told my partner before I'm I think I'm bi curious or like I think I'm a little bit by something, something like that. But I've never thought I've always thought like Oh, but it's like would be rude of me to like take up a space in the LGBT community because I I'm not repressed like that. So ridiculous. There are people who were struggling. Yeah, the fuck. Anyway, that's so nisusly. Yeah, like I said, I erased myself. So since the great realization, Hmm, what do you think has changed for you? Um, like do you feel like you've accepted the place? Yes, yeah, that didn't take me long once I realized, because all of this was so subconscious and it's taken me, like unpacking it a bit to realize it, Um, that I thought all of these things, and that's how that's all of these things led to it. But I'd say, like in some ways, like change everything, such traumatic it's which matter. I don't think it is. Well, also, like the other thing is, and obviously it's a part of is I've been in a like a long term relationship for with a man for eight years, like we met when I was nineteen. I'm now twenty eight. So you know, obviously, like I have been like straight to the world and I will continue to because we don't have any intention of breaking up. So that is like a weird that's like something that's in my mind. That's like, well, I heard someone say in a podcast, and I don't remember who it was, but they said, like because you can never, and I think this is like not quite exactly right,...

...but she said you can never show the world visually that you are by because you're either in a relationship with a man or a woman. And I don't necessarily think that's true, because there's like lots of different sexuality like, for example, like pot if you're polly, then you can like have a relationship with two people of different genders, and like there is a there is like opportunity to show that your bisexuality in a way that's like obvious to the world. But anyway, putting outside, she was talking about the way that she has reframed in her head is like bisexuality as an identity rather than as a sexuality, and I think that's interesting because again, like it's not I'm not like obviously by, and it is like pretty hard to be obviously by for most people because again, like I had, I have being with a man for all this time and we'll continue to be. So anyone who knows me as in a relationship with a man is like very likely to be confused, especially because I am some again, I'm someone who's like very outspoken, as well as all the other things I said at the start. So, like I'm someone who you would think would have been by openly like a long time ago. MMM, because, well, I when I realized, I told Nick the same day, I told you, like two days later. I told my sister. Two days after that, I told my parents. Two weeks after I realized, like I pretty much told people, like it wasn't after I realized. It didn't take me a long time to like come out because of that's the type of person I am. I'm just like, I am who I am, and if you hate it, then be good. Yeah, so it is weird. It's very weird. If you didn't find US completely insufferable, come back next Wednesday for a new episode. Could also find us on instagram at cheek media cor or online cheek Mediacom. To Day you. Yes, that's the law, that's the one I.

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